You know what it is when you have had an idea for a long time – maybe it doesn’t matter where that idea came from. It has lived with you for as long as you can remember, and you’ve never seen that it is a separate thing before. That it is not you. One day, something wakes you up and you begin to see you are not the thing you thought you were. You are not the ways other people have needed you to be. Somewhere amdist the confusion, you get a sense that you exist beyond all of that. That there is a you, and that it is time to start sorting out all the big ideas and borrowed ideas and find out what that is.
Let me give you an example. Someone, at some point,tells you you are messy. Maybe this is because you are. Maybe it is because they are. Maybe it is because you have been messy on more than one occasion and an observation becomes a belief. You adopt this thought. You tell yourself, ‘I am a messy person’, and for years, you don’t think to act differently. You make messes and that’s okay, because that’s who you are. Everyone around you agrees.
But the time comes when there is enough space to see that maybe you don’t like mess that much after all. It’s possible that you’ve changed, although you know if you trace your finger back over the bumps you will see how there was always another option. You start to experiment with a different idea. This one feels better. You begin to see that maybe you are not all that messy, but still there is the thought that lingers- the thought become habit – that you are.
It takes time and effort to dislodge that thought and to see things as they are. Once you do, you can’t go back. You tell people who know you now that you used to be messy and they laugh and say they don’t really believe you because that’s not what they see now, and there’s the temptation again to believe what they see is true. The temptations to forget that all things can be truthful at the same time.
It takes time to dislodge most things until the day comes when it is simple and you choose to let go. Even though you know you can’t go back, once you let it in – truth – there’s no other way. You feel light, like air over and under and around.
There are things I keep trying to write about, but some things feel too big and too vague to put into workable sentences. Some things are not yet ready to be sunk in words. Lately, there’s been a lot of chaotic energy going around. Good, and big, and necessary. I don’t know what to make of it all, except that change which takes you out of your comfort zone is the most potent, the most lucrative.
So here I am, firmly out of my comfort zone, in a kind of spiritual no-man’s land (I do hate that word. Spiritual. I can’t think of a better one). I’ve been here for a while now, and I figure I’ll be here a while longer. That’s okay.
In the meantime, I’d like to tell you about these quick summer days that are beginning to smell like Autumn – the glorious busy hours that fall into evenings and the strange warm rain that lifts our hair and skin upwards and the days in the park town museums and the girl who is nearly three and suddenly started to read, to try to read, everything, who sees words everywhere and somehow knows what they are and understands what they mean and the little boy who is not at all little but the happiest sweetest boy I know and his little Ezra language he uses when he is alone with you and telling you his serious thoughts and the way that a brother and a sister can become a brother and a sister and how beautiful and how rare a thing it is to see this kind of knowing unfold.
And all of that is only a corner, a way to start unpeeling summertime, a way to say, I’m still here, just collecting myself a little, trying things on for size.
A move inwards. A move away from. A move towards.