My dear friends are organising a Blessingway for me, and its made me think a little about the space we choose to birth in. (One of the elements of a Blessingway is sometimes to honour and bless the space where you intend to birth) Without realising it, I think a reason I was so eager to get the Little’s bedroom done is because this is the room where, hopefully, our birthing pool will be set up and Ezra may be born.
Every room in this house was considered, bar the kitchen, bathroom and study (all too small or impractical). At first I thought the living room would be good, because it is warm and full of life. The dining room I ruled out because the patio doors means it does not feel enclosed enough. Our bedroom is so full of bed that it wouldn’t have enough room for a birthing pool too. But I love the idea of having Ezra in a room meant, in part, for him. It has such a good energy, anyway. It feels calm and warm, and there’s plenty of space for a pool (the trunk may have to be moved)
I don’t know if its the new moon in Pisces, but I’ve been feeling much more energised these past two days. We decided, after a good discussion about birth companions in my Sunday yoga class, to hire a Doula for Ezra’s birth. I feel that this is the right decision in every way, and we’ve found someone who we’re hoping to meet very soon, who sounds ideal.
It’s come at a good time, too. My midwife appointment today led to more questions and concerns about the size of my bump – namely, the amount of fluid I might have. Whereas this was brought up 7 weeks ago, and I was urged to go for a hospital consultation (but decided this was not in our best interest), I felt more open to the idea today. But I need to do my research and get informed. I need to decide whether or not this may lead to unnecessary stress or a reasonable understanding of why there may be lots of fluid.
In general, I don’t want to go by the ‘just in case’ scenario because I think it is very disheartening and leads you to stop trusting your instincts and your own body. I agreed though that Ezra did not feel nearly as big as Ava did. With Ava, my big bump was very much because of a big baby. I’ve felt from the beginning though that Ezra would be smaller. I just knew it, in the same way I knew he’d be a boy. The midwife said she thought he would be around 8lbs when born, not nearly as big as Ava.
So, I may have a consultation next week, if I decide it’s the best thing to do. It could be that Ezra is in a great position and I simply have lots of fluid. If he’s still moving around, the worry is (apparently) that when you go into labour your cord can slip out first, thereby cutting off oxygen to the baby and resulting in an emergency c-section. That’s a very big what if, a very big perhaps that may affect everything from where to birth to when.
The lady who was in as I arrived is someone from my yoga class. She told me that at her last appointment she was measuring large and this was a concern, and now she’s measuring spot on, they are concerned there might not have been a lot of growth. It all sounds like so much second guessing and doubting a process which, if left by itself, is just getting on with what it should be doing.
When I think of the care I’ve had so far, it might be easy to say that actually, foregoing any midwife care would have been a lot easier. All the blood tests, urine texts, Gestational Diabetets tests, stomach prodding. And for no reason, since everything has turned out spot on health wise. I keep thinking about how this undermines our basic trust in our own bodies.
Aside from my very big bump, there’s nothing at all to suggest that anything is of concern. I need to figure out whether or not knowing my amount of fluid, knowing what position Ezra is really in, will help or hinder my ability to trust myself to birth this baby the way I want to. It’s hard to know right now – and hard to get unbiased accurate information too.
At least it seems like he is already in a head down position, which is good. And everything else is good too – Ava got to work the blood pressure contraption and also use the heartbeat monitor. I always love hearing that strange and strong beat.
We came back home and made hot chocolate and curled up on the sofa. The dining room is full of the debris of lunch (we had friends visiting this morning) but there was a package waiting for Ava – a lovely green dress from a lovely Mama – and so we of course had to try it on and twirl around the living room.
And all that twirling was just too much excitement for one little two year old…