Well, aside from posts on Unschooling, never have I had so much feedback as on my last post. Apparently a great deal of you also hate Facebook, but find it annoyingly addictive too.
I’m surprised actually by how easy it has been not to use it. The difference already is worryingly noticeable. I feel a mental clarity and peace – a lovely kind of peace from not knowing all the things I don’t really need to know. It’s as if someone has turned down the volume, or as if I have left a very large hall full of people talking and talking.
Alongside this quietening down, has been a week of seeing friends every day in gentle one on one situations. We’ve had playdates – both Ava and Mama – and we’ve had cakes and tea and trips to the park. Ava has seen lots of friends, and Mama has been busy doing maid of honour things, going to dress fittings, organising and then, a couple of days ago, a great meeting to discuss how I might regularly contribute to the York NCT magazine.
We’ve had an odd to-ing and fro-ing between days when Ava certainly needed a nap, and days when she did without. On the days without, our evenings have been a lot longer, and I’ve missed having a little more time to myself. But on the days with naps, like yesterday, she has a kind of wild energy at night (recalling her scaling an armchair naked like a rabid monkey last night)
I have things to finish and things to start this weekend – hats that need knitting and dresses that need making, and some to send off, too, but more importantly I have a letter to reply to, and time needed to go off and write. I’m looking forward to yoga again on Sunday. Although my body did not feel at all sore after last week’s session, it has felt stretched and opened up, and I have felt a lot more tired.
Today Howard went out early to get on with some editing, and Ava and I played with her kitchen, drew some park scenes and had a bath. I might take some time out to write too, and to plan our trip to the North of Scotland in February for Lisa’s wedding. I tried on my bridesmaid dress and wondered what it would look like in 6 weeks time, but Ava reassured me it was pretty, so I felt better. (She’s got high standards, so I musn’t yet look too blimpish.)
After a very long and interesting discussion on a parenting forum, we have decided to plan for Ava to be at the birth as well, and play it by ear somewhat. If she seems to be distracting me too much, or in any way distressed, Howard and her will leave. Our first plan involved their absence, so it wouldn’t upset me at all if they did leave. It seems though, according to many who have already had homebirths, that even children as young as Ava are surprisingly (or maybe not?) unphased by birth, especially if I can remain calm. Last time I apparently made very little sound, so if I can be as centered this time, it may be that Ava varies between being curious and just indifferent.
Last night, we showed her some birthing videos. Fairly graphic, but ‘gentle’ birthing videos. The first one she watched she screamed at the moment of birth and I thought, ‘Great, I’ve traumatised my toddler’. Then she wanted to watch more. When we showed her a lovely gentle water birth she was totally unphased, and I explained that Ezra would come out like that, in water, and Ava seemed very keen on that option. I wondered if some part of her remembered that that was how she came out, in water. It was a lovely video, and the one I’ll go to again and again for her and me – to fill us both with positive birth imagery.
She did ask in the bath today to see ‘babies being born’, and when I talked a bit about how Ezra would come out, she said rather matter of factly, ‘Mama poo Ezra out’. Well, it’s hard to argue with that. It does look like that. Obviously I clarified as much as I can, but you know, she is grasping it fairly well.
And for the first time I did a hypnobirthing visualisation last night, and my goodness, I forgot how much I love – how much my body seems to respond to – visualisations. I feel so much more capable of being mindful afterwards, and very connected, in a calm and unthinking way, to Ezra. Followed by a couple of hours of Californication and some left-over slutty brownies, it was a pretty good Friday evening.