i have been resisting this for days. to say it here makes it seem real.
but it is, and we are. leaving york.
so there are boxes to be collected and packed, things to cancel, bags of clothes and toys to be given away, furniture to be disassembled, and there are people to see and squeeze a little tigher than usual.
such is the way with leaving, there is much excitement and some sadness. hour by hour, my feelings change, pointing always forward or back, thinking of all the things all the times all the places and *people* here, then excited by the all possibilities of there, and the people I have long longed for, who will, suddenly be close at hand.
this house is a home, was our home for three years. i wish i could take it with us. it’s hard to imagine how another place could be home, although it will be. it’s hard not to cling to the comfort of a place and time I know very well and like very much.
but big change is good for the soul. and i have been readying myself for this kind of thing since Ava was born. perhaps not new england, not yet, but this.
this morning i thought of my four pregnant friends and how gutted i was to be missing that. my new mama friend. my friend who is a new mama. and so it goes like this, hour to hour, one thing to the next.
part of the thing, though, about change, is how ferocious it makes you feel. the clear and sudden knowledge that it is possible, so freeing, so exciting. to make a swift turning before a turning was expected of you. to do a thing because you can.
not about a right or wrong choice, but about courage, adventure, curiosity, movement.
only because my new shoes were hurting, but i walked home from town today barefoot. the first time, in york, in october, and i thought that i would remember how it felt to do this and i would remember also the first year here, the second third fourth and fifth, the friends who have stayed and left, the times before Ava, the times before Howard, times with her and her and him.
all of it, sure, and the things I know, feel, but can’t remember. those, too, will be missed.